Betrayed and Loved
After he had said this, Jesus was troubled in spirit and testified, “Very truly I tell you, one of you is going to betray me.” Leaning back against Jesus, (John) asked him, “Lord, who is it?” Jesus answered, “It is the one to whom I will give this piece of bread when I have dipped it in the dish.” Then, dipping the piece of bread, he gave it to Judas. As soon as Judas took the bread, Satan entered into him. So Jesus told him,
“What you are about to do, do quickly.”
John 13:21, 25-27
Dear Friends,
Most of us know what betrayal feels like. I’ve felt betrayed and confused, wondering what I had done wrong and how I could have behaved differently with certain friends. Maybe I took up too much space? Maybe I had an annoying voice? Maybe I talked too much or too little or was too needy or not needy enough? What I can tell you is I was troubled, anxious, disturbed and I wanted to do whatever I could to make it better.
Betrayal can bring a form of death to a person’s soul, squelching the vitality and life out and causing a person to question themself.
For Jesus, he loved his friends dearly. He would have done anything for them, even given up his very life. I bet Judas seemed so eager to follow Jesus in the beginning—honored even. He was good with money like a shrewd manager. He probably masked his deep insecurity with pride and false confidence, making him closed off instead of teachable, walled off instead of approachable. He probably had big dreams for what could be, wild expectations of how Jesus could build a following and gain influence. Judas’ frustration at Jesus every time Jesus stepped away from the crowds or said something that rubbed people the wrong way begin to grow a few months after becoming a disciple. I bet Jesus could sense it, but never withheld love for Judas or shamed him for his frustration. Jesus knew that the only thing that could convince Judas of his own lovability would be to keep loving him. Insecurities rarely heal overnight but take constant attention and continual presence.
No matter the loving time and attention spent with Judas, Jesus could sense him slipping away. He was physically there but emotionally checked out with thick, impenetrable walls surrounding his heart and mind. I can imagine Jesus, kneeling next to Judas’ feet with water and basin. He lovingly and attentively removed Judas’ sandals, gently placing each foot into the basin and washing the daily filth off. Did Judas think of Mary’s anointing of Jesus’ feet just a day before with her very identity being broken and poured out—the wasteful grace? I wonder if Judas felt disgust at Jesus’ act of service, their eyes meeting—love met with distain.
Jesus was troubled, anxious, disturbed, overwhelmed by the reality of free will that causes death. He couldn’t do anything to change a person’s heart—the change had to begin with the person’s willingness. My heart breaks when I think of Jesus, holding out that piece of bread to Judas, praying he wouldn’t take it, begging with his eyes and heart and soul for Judas not to take it. I can imagine Jesus’ heart shattering, his breath catching when the bread, which felt like the weight of the world, left his hands and transferred into Judas’.
“What you are about to do, do quickly.”
I wonder if Jesus questioned what he could have done differently. Did he talk too much or not enough? Did he challenge his disciples enough or not enough? Maybe if he said things differently or stayed in one place longer or carried a sword or…?
“What you are about to do, do quickly.”
With overwhelming sadness, anxiety, and a troubled spirit Jesus released his friend to do what Jesus couldn’t stop, because even Jesus couldn’t change a person unwilling to change. Friends, we can’t change another person but we can love them and we can change ourselves. If you’ve given your life to Jesus as the One who gives life, Jesus’ love will transform your heart into a person who loves first. Jesus won’t save you from heart-break, betrayal, or the suffering other’s cause you, but Jesus will transform your heart into one that loves first.
Directly after Judas abandoned his friends, Jesus didn’t throw Judas under the bus. He didn’t belittle Judas or talk about what a hopeless case Judas was. Jesus took a deep, shaky and broken breath, turned to his disciples and said, “Friends, everything I’ve said or done up to this moment can fit into the most simple container. It’s a command I hope and pray you will follow because it’s the building blocks and foundation for all of life. Love. Love one another like how I love you. It’s the most important thing you will ever do because Love invites, heals, includes, and sets people free from the most impossible situations.”
Loved in the weighty transfer of bread. Loved in the anxious and troubled betrayals. Loved in the washing of filth. Loved in the countless do-overs. Loved all the way to the cross.
With (love),
Bethany