Imposter Syndrome
For I am the least of the apostles and do not even deserve to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.
1 Corinthians 15:9-10
Dear Friends,
As a kid, I found making friends deeply difficult—my insecurities were paralyzing. I was 23 when I realized most people were insecure and afraid of relationships. I realized I needed to fake being “outgoing” until I became outgoing. But around that same time, I discovered what had been true about me all along: my belovedness. This truth impacted every encounter because I was no longer needing to prove myself to others. I was fully accepted and loved by God—no need to fake anything. I recently watched a Ted Talk for one of my seminary classes. It was given by Amy Cuddy about imposter syndrome and how people should “fake it until you become it.” While the sentiments can be helpful, as I just wrote, I’ve come to realize there’s a better way to be human.
When I fake it until I become it, I perpetuate dishonesty and continue in the lie that I know exactly what I’m doing. This kind of “confidence” actually erodes my vulnerability and potential to live whole-heartedly. I’ve found it can also keep others from living into their own truth. While I have grown in confidence in many areas of my life, I am still deeply afraid of abandonment from friendship and community members; I feel inadequate in my education and ability to retain information; I sometimes believe my reputation will fade with age and wrinkles. When I hide my insecurities from others by only displaying my successes, I can perpetuate perfectionism and maintain shame in myself and others.
I think about Paul and what he wrote to the church in Corinth, a city who prided herself on Hellenistic perfectionism. Just before the verse above he wrote about his confidence in Christ, crucified and risen, like a firm foundation for every other aspect of his life. And while Paul was well regarded as an authority in the Christian circles, he was honest and humble in his insecurities. In his vulnerability he never needed to pretend he was something he wasn’t. He knew he was invited into abundant life through the grace of Christ Jesus, not from his own might, perfectionism, or religious fervor.
Paul didn’t fake it until he became it. He stepped into what was already true about him with confidence. What had been true about Paul all along was his belovedness. The grace of Christ simply showed him this truth and invited him to live differently because of it. Instead of being the religiously condemning jury and judge, Paul was able to love people. Years before, on the wilderness road to Damascus, Paul encountered disruptive grace and found freedom to love in the most honest and humble of ways.
The wilderness road, lonely and insecure, might be the right place to discover what has been true about you all along: your belovedness. May this allow you to shrug off any insecurities or imposter syndromes as you live fully into grace-filled freedom. And may you travel well through Love.
With (love),
Bethany