The Violence Within Me

Dear Friends,

The depth of violence infecting and reigning in human hearts reveals itself in the smallest of ways. I think it’s hidden and quietly unobtrusive, shrouded by my smile and encouraging words. But it is there and capable of great harm, first to me but then to you.

This violence isn’t one of war or weapons in the traditional sense. There will be no physical harm from me towards another’s body but I could slash you open with my words. I do not have a license to carry but it’s certainly a concealed weapon—kept at bay and corrosive to myself. I’ve been aware of this violence within me and the names it goes by: pride and insecurity. For years it came out as knives hidden in my words or posture where I tried to stand above you with more knowledge or swagger. Even if you didn’t notice, I did—corrosive. 

It’s the dearest of friends who lovingly pointed out what I had thought I had hidden so well. They showed me my pride and insecurity and the sneaky violence I was capable of. The Holy Spirit has helped reform that part of me, convicting and reshaping those hidden places. 

Lately I’ve noticed this internal violence in subtle ways—I could miss it if not paying attention to such powerful-Holy Spirit-peace and grace. It comes out in judgement towards others who think differently than me and I wonder if this is a struggle, at times, for you too.

Here’s the struggle I have felt and seen:

I hope people who refuse to get vaccinated will get sick, but won’t die.

I hope people who got vaccinated will get sick, but won’t die.

There is no peace or grace within these sentiments, only violence embedded in pride and insecurity. And deeper still, there are seeds of dehumanization quickly taking root in those dark and hidden parts of people. These hidden dehumanizing thoughts can grow into real weapons and real violence against real people without even realizing it. What starts small and hidden in one’s heart can produce horrific outcomes if not rooted out, regardless of a pandemic.

Everyone has their reasons for what they do or don’t do in this pandemic. Some might say we’re heading towards a tyrannical existence and others might say “my body, my choice” and others might say “your body, your choice and your choice to harm others by your choice.” 

I don’t have a clear answer for others beyond my own opinions and beliefs if asked, but I do have the option on how I can respond in a way that doesn’t further dehumanize others. And when I disagree with you or others, my response towards you and others must be marked by peace and grace. My Savior is non-violent in every regard, so I will keep praying “peace and grace” over myself, over you, over our country and over this world as I am being reshaped into non-violence. 

May it be so.

With (love),
Bethany